33 Years Young

Why I chose me at 33. 

Grace, compassion, sympathy. Those are some things I know for a fact I carry with me EVERYWHERE I go. Sometimes I think it is because it is just who I am. Sometimes I think it is because of the baggage I carry. Sometimes I think it is what God planted into my veins to thrive at what he made me for. Wherever this comes from, on any given day, it is deep. It drips off my body and sheds and seeps and vomits on most everyone around me. I can’t remember always being like this, but for the most part, it is who I am. 

Now being this type, this personality, well it gets harder and harder the older I get. Eyes start to open brightly to those around you. Feelings get hurt because you are not returned the same characteristics in people you feel you have poured so much into. Your cup becomes empty. Let me just say, it is hot out here and you will eventually need to drink. 

My need and want to be needed and wanted started to overshadow all the good qualities. Good qualities became more and more like insecurities. Pick me, choose me, want me, invite me, like me. Wait for me, feel my void, love me. It is exhausting. Having children and feeling like you carry that weight in their regards as well. . . . 

Let me just say. . grey hair and 50 extra pounds type stress levels and stuff.

The more I choose me, the older I get, the more I realize all these things.  Happy people do not tear others down. Healthy, happy people do not dig in others' closets to distract from their own. Happy, healthy people take the time to talk out issues, to reveal more about themselves than others. Happy people have boundaries. Happy, healthy people take accountability for their shortcomings and accept when they have hurt your feelings. Happy people work on themselves and evolve and cope and learn and move forward. Happy people do not make others who are different feel less than. Happy, healthy people are there to listen to understand and not to reply. 

Happy people can make the best of a situation. Happy people can keep a guard up, but also live in the moment and take in the moments of happiness. Happy people can see the difference between doing what is right and doing what is selfish. Realizing this difference, makes all the difference. Maybe, just maybe I will change a life along the way. Maybe, just maybe. 

So today, today I am 33 years old. Today, at age 33 I will choose me. I will lay my desire to please down. I will pray to the one true king, to my God, my savior, my peace. I will ask that he leads the way. See the thing is, at 33 I realize that people, humans, are not made to be perfect. Our kids, our family, our spouses, will all disappoint us at some point. God so loved ME that he gave his SON. Now that, as a mother, is powerful. I am loved like that already. You are loved like that already. Stop chasing it. One day at a time. 

Today, at 33, I will choose me.